Two Children Hear “You’re a Failure” — Only One Believes It

A child’s sense of self-worth can determine whether hurtful words leave a temporary wound or become a lasting belief.

TDT | Manama

Email: mail@newsofbahrain.com

"The difference is

not strength;

it is having a strong

sense of self-worth to

return to.” 

                       Tuqa Marhoon,

                              Certified Parenting Coach 

At that moment, certified parenting coach Tuqa Marhoon says many parents focus on the same questions: Who said it? How should they be punished? Should the child change schools?

But she says a more important question is often overlooked: What happened inside the child after he heard those words?

Children gradually build their understanding of who they are through the messages they repeatedly hear and the relationships and experiences they have each day.

A child who regularly hears, “I love you,” “I see you,” and “your place with me does not change even when you make a mistake” can develop a stronger and more stable sense of self-worth.

But when a child’s value becomes linked to grades, behaviour, comparisons with others or approval from other people, hurtful comments can have a much deeper impact.

Marhoon illustrates the difference with a simple thought experiment: Two children hear the same sentence—“You are a failure.”

The first child is hurt but tells himself: “He is wrong. I am not a failure.”

The second thinks: “Yes, I am a failure.”

According to Marhoon, the difference is not necessarily one child being stronger than the other. Rather, one child has a secure sense of self-worth to return to, while the other may depend heavily on what others say about him.

This means the problem is not simply the words themselves, but where those words land.

A hurtful comment may upset a child who knows his worth, but it does not necessarily define him. For a child who is still searching for a sense of worth, however, the same comment can become a belief that shapes how he sees himself.

Marhoon stresses that psychological resilience does not mean a child will never be hurt, cry or be affected by bullying. Instead, it means painful experiences do not become a permanent definition of who the child is.